Dream a little dream

Hey dudes. It's been a while since my last real update.

I've come to that moment - at least at this point in life - where I'm itching to break out and just be free. I'm starting to question what is it that makes me truly happy, not just to make other people happy.

As I go to work 5 days a week, 9 to 5 every day, I start to question whether this job is really something I want or if it's just something that will pay the bills and impress my family and friends. It's true that it's work - you don't have to be particularly passionate about it and you don't always look forward going to it every morning - but the question starts to rise as to whether this is something I want in life.

And then I start thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I get a job in something I am actually passionate about and then the mundane reality of going to it 5 days a week will take the magic away? What if that happens and that way I won't have that escape to what I love anymore? I get scared like that.

Sometimes I feel like it's right to keep dreams as just that. Because at least it's always going to be that happy little place you visit in your head to take the edge off reality when you need it most.

Blah

There has been so much work at the office, that it’s no longer funny. I’m scared that I’m gonna be bogged down by this and I’ll give up somewhere along the way. Funnily enough, I’m not too scared whether the people at the office will be disappointed in the way I work; what concerns me more is whether I’ll someday get sick of all this and end up hating it with a passion.

I hope that won’t be the case, so I’m just trying to make the most of things as I go.

Day 8 at the apartment and I still haven’t swum at all. I’m getting all jittery just thinking about it; I have to swim!

Friday loco

It’s Friday and I couldn’t be more glad that it is. It’s been a busy week, and everything’s just been happening all at once at the office. But at the same time, though, the fact that it’s been busy made this weekend all the more worthwhile; feels like I’ve earned the next 3 days off. It’s so exciting that it’s gonna be the long weekend!

Anyhow, I was watching one of those “20 to 1″ specials on TV last night, and the topic was about celebrity going AWOL, and naturally RDJ was included. And that’s made me all the more think that it’s so good that nobody talks about his bad past anymore. Sure, they’ll always drop the ‘bad-boy’ term here and there when talking about him - after all, can’t turn back time and what have you – but it just occurred to me last night, while I was watching this TV special and the screen was splattered with his mug shots and caps from his prison days, that he’s successfully made new impressions on people and that he is now the ’successful actor’ rather than the ‘guy who did time in prison’. Like, I think that’s pretty amazing.

This is so bad, but this lamb and spinach curry that I’m currently having is so good!

Hump day shenanigans

What a day at the office today was! I didn’t get out till 6.30 PM – which is not too bad, but it felt like a long day, anyway – trying to tie things up. Although I didn’t get to tie up as much as I would’ve liked to, but whatever. One step at a time, I guess.

But after all that drama at work, I eventually had a lovely dinner with K tonight. It was just good to catch up with her, talking shit and telling each other what we’ve been up to in the past 3 months. It was a nice, girly, bonding session.

I’m glad that tomorrow is Thursday. Then the next day will be Friday and it’ll be the long weekend, before the family is coming on the Wednesday. I’m looking forward to the next couple of weeks.

The February that was

I had a conversation with P today, and she kindly pointed out that I've gone through my first month at the office now. Time has flown indeed.

First week of this month was spent rather casually at the office, getting to know my role better and my boss and supervisor not giving me that much work yet. I went out over the weekend, going to a friend's birthday drinks at a place full of naked baby angels (like the place, don't really like the crowd); went for lunch on the Saturday (spent about 30 minutes standing alone at Footscray Station, so the day was a bit of a thriller-drama-comedy, I guess, but I ended up having a great time, thanks to Nick); went out for drinks at night around the corner where the pink elephants are, then later on at the icky Irish pub down the street; then spent all day Sunday doing nothing before going to my friends' gig down by the beach. That was by far the best week I've had this month.

The following week was a bit hell because that was when I really learnt what it feels like to bring work home. I had a lot of work to do at the office and I couldn't finish them by the time 5 o'clock struck; and so the deadline needed to be extended and that was not a nice feeling to bring with me when I came in the next morning. But thankfully that was resolved by the time Thursday rolled in and I was able to enjoy the weekend. I went out dancing on Saturday night for Shahana's birthday and then had yum cha the next day for Chinese New Year. Bought "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" on DVD too that day; enjoyed it a lot, and it wasn't only because of our extensive adulation for Robert Downey, Jr. Yes, mainly that, but Val Kilmer is pretty damn good there too.

Last week was pretty underwhelming as I'd expected something equally high-strung as the previous week, but it turned out the workload had died down then and I was cruising along till the weekend. Mum and Dad came back mid-week from their month-long stay in Jakarta so the rest of that week was spent catching up with them. I went to my friends' gig again on Thursday night; finally got to talk properly with the drummer after not having done so in the past, so I won't feel guilty anymore now when I see him at their gigs. Went to an old friend's birthday drinks after work on Friday, then to dinner and more drinks with the girls which turned out to be disastrous because lack of sleep + alcohol = well, let's just say not pretty. I spent Saturday looking at properties for half of the clan when they come Down Under next month. Had a lovely late lunch by the water with mum to celebrate finally finding a property, before going to the movies with my sister at night. "The Wolfman" turned out to be pretty fantastic; I love Benicio Del Toro there.

And so it's come down to this week. It's my 6th week working full-time and honestly, it feels like high school all over again, except people wear suits and nice structured dresses and I spend half the day in front of the computer. I tell you what, nothing beats that feeling when 5 o'clock strikes on a Friday afternoon. It feels pretty damn great. Oh, and I'm finally reading "A Study In Scarlet" properly this time. The book makes me all the more compelled to read some Poe.

I miss blogging like this. I should spill my guts on a public space more often.

2010

What I'm looking forward to next year:

o Finally starting on my path to becoming rich (a girl needs her diamonds and couture, you see)
o Having a daily routine
o FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa
o New job
o Using my Moleskine monthly diary 2010 (yes, that's acutely important to me)
o Actually having New Year's Day, Australia Day, Labour Day, Easter weekend, ANZAC Day, Queen's Birthday, Cup Day and Christmas Day off
o Finally getting that Mulberry Bayswater bag
o It's my year, The Year of the Tiger! (I don't know how that will affect me, but let's hope it'll bring good luck, unlike that stupid belief that your Chinese year is always gonna be a bad year for you)

Basically there's not that many, but I just feel like 2010 sounds like a nice, round group of numbers. It will be 10 years since I moved to Melbourne and I think I can safely say things are gonna be all right. Not perfect and completely blissful, just okay.

The downside to it all

Is it wrong to think that maybe this job isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Don't get me wrong; I think it's a fantastic opportunity. But I took it because of the convenience. It's good money, big company and basically just good old showy job. I think I'm the envy of my friends for having been accepted into this. But what about what I like right now?

Maybe it's just the case of me having done something so long that I think that's all I like. I mean, I graduated with a degree in media and I've always loved writing. So maybe I just haven't seen what's out there. Maybe there are other things I'm gonna like apart from media, and this job is gonna show me.

But if it's the other way around, then what? What if I've been at this job for a year and I realise I wanna do writing all along? Basically, I would've wasted a year when I could've spent the time working my way up in the magazine/publishing industry.

I just hope it won't be the second one. Because I'd hate to see the haters right.

Victory!

I got my first full-time corporate job today!

It feels soooooooooooooooooooooooo good!

I'm gonna go as far as saying I'm choosing career over anything else right now. I'm gonna work my ass off to be able to save enough to buy my own place in 3 years. Just you wait and see.

Going bananas

You know, I'll come out and admit it. I'm in a rut.

I feel like I have nothing to define me; I'm not a student anymore, but I'm kinda stuck doing it for some legal reasons. And because I'm doing that, I can't get a job. Well, not a full-time job, anyway. And not having a job is, well, pretty depressing. I mean, I work where I work right now, but it's a casual job. That's not something that I love doing. And the way things are going with the magazine job and the stupid Indo community that goes with it, I have nothing to be proud of.

You see, maybe it's the old-fashioned mentality of always having something to show what I've done - "here's what I did, I've achieved this and this and this..." and all that crap. But I seriously feel low for not having done something good lately. People might say to me, "but come on, you've got your masters..." Yeah, so? I haven't proved to myself and anyone else that I can hold down a job and be good at it. The only thing I've done for the past 17 years is that I can do my homework. Yeah, whoopee, let's give Sasha some certificate and put her in a stupid gown and hat.

I just feel like with all this hanging over me, I can't go and function properly. I'm self-conscious all the time, I'm constantly moody and what's worse, I'm projecting all these on people I hate.

Oh well, I'll get over it soon.

What's new pussycat?

It's been the worst week ever. I have been - I kid you not - staying at home for the past 3 days. The only time I went out was to go jogging, and that was only around the neighbourhood.

I've been obsessed watching "Brothers & Sisters". Budi was right when he said I'd like it; I really love it now. It's a whole new way to compare your family to what's presented in the media and feel even worse about your own because you know something just ain't right about your favourite uncle or your biological grandmother. Whatever; the main point is, I still get self-destructive sometimes when I watch TV series like that because it just makes me think even more that my life is anything but normal. Don't mean to go emo on you now.

Other than that, I've been obsessed with finding an office job. It's pretty daunting the fact that all my mates are starting their first full-time job. And an office job seems to be the way to go because it makes you feel better about yourself. I've been doing the freelancing thing for the past year now (and it took me one whole year to realise that it's been a freelance job, ding ding, I should get a prize to have guessed that right) and I think a little bit of routine in my life is what's best for me right now. 9 to 5 job sounds to me like a candy store sounds to a six-year-old fat boy.

I think I'm getting sarcastic again.

Love me for my lack of taxpack

Okay, great, so apparently the tax office is now too lazy to send out the taxpack to our address, so we're now supposed to go to newsagents and grab our own copy.

I guess the tax office can then say, "Okay, great, so apparently Sasha is now too lazy to go and take a walk down to her nearest newsagent and grab a copy of the taxpack".

It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway...

Sunday
9 AM: Camberwell Market
1 PM: lunch with Ms Editor and kids

Monday
12 PM: apply for graduation and enrolment (yep, didn't think that would go in the same sentence, either)
5.30 PM - 12 AM: work

Tuesday
1 PM: appointment with plumber
5.30 PM - 12 AM: work

Wednesday & Thursday
12 PM - 12 AM: work

As you can see, I'm leading a fabulous, busy life. Not.

Much love

You know the saying 'I have so much love to give'?

Well, right now, I have so much HATE to give.

Some of the customers I had at work yesterday and today were simply shocking on a basic human level. I can't even believe those people exist just to waste our oxygen supply. I'm sorry, but when you can't even treat other human beings properly, you might as well be put in the same place as the racist and homophobic sons of bitches. Hitler would love some company, thank you.

My landlord isn't only clueless in how to spell 'recession', but clearly she doesn't even know what the word means. After increasing our rent less than a year ago, she's done it again now. Take a guess, people: 1) she's had lack of sexual partners that she's frustrated and thus can't function, including think properly 2) she's just plain mentally challenged 3) she's, well, please fill in the blanks, I'm sure she won't mind because, oh my God, she probably won't even understand what you mean cos she's just that dumb.

I really hope these people will do some serious damage control to their behaviour soon or else, you know, with other people wanting to kill them and all, the sales of shotguns would go up. And that's not the message we're trying to put out to the children, riiight?

Boring old update

Everyone knows that I'm a big fan of Alexa Chung. Everything about her seems so much fun and makes anything else matters less. Something about her carefree, fun-loving outlook that translate into some of the most enjoyable fashion I've seen this decade.

Feeling inspired is an addictive thing; and right now, all I want to do is look back on some of my favourite looks of hers and build my wardrobe like hers. It's so much fun and I can't get enough of it!

Apart from that, the past two days have gotta be some of the coldest weather Melbourne has had in the past 12 months. I'm shaking on my sofa just thinking about it - well, that and the fact that I still need to write up 3 articles for the magazine.

And speaking of the magazine, I'm quitting the job. BECAUSE I GOT A NEW JOB!

Yes, you are now looking at the proud, soon-to-be marketing executive at an up and coming design company. Well, okay, maybe not that prestigious, but it's a new company founded by an acquaintance and he was looking to hire someone to do the marketing, promoting and all that jazz. So I got hired, much thanks to the recommendation of a dear friend. Note to self: gotta treat her to a nice dinner very soon.

Anyhow, I can't wait till I get all my shit organised and go out shopping to celebrate. There may be plenty other things I still worry about, but as I've told B the other day, you gotta stop and smell the roses and be grateful for what you've got so far. Another problem is another day's worry. Please buy me a great pair of shoes if you agree with me.

Jooooooob

Awesome, thanks for your comments on the last blog, guys!

Got a second interview tomorrow! Wish me luck~♪

You'd think I'd be a professional by now...

So the surprise interview today was awesome. Can anybody notice the sarcasm there?

The thing is. I had the sneaky feeling that it was gonna be a job interview; I told my friends it was gonna be a job interview, but I myself didn't think twice that it was gonna be a job interview.

So I rocked up in my jeans and anticipated something like a chat. Turned out the guy had us "chatting" in a white-wash meeting room and a 5-page booklet of interview questions. So I did my best despite skipping lunch and zero caffeine.

Is it selfish to want to think I did good?

Feeling inspired

Inspirational right now:

- A nice top with cute statement necklace
- The 60s
- Hot pink nails
- The tree-lined avenue outside my house during autumn; beautiful red leaves
- Money
- Europe

Work, music and a whole lot of other crazy things

The back of my neck, my throat and my ears are so sore. I feel like I'm coming down with something, and I hate to think it's because of the dust that my nose has inhaled over the past 2 days from doing stocktake at work. The place is amazingly filthy and today, I could literally smell mould.

Gross.

I've been wanting to listen to old-school J-rock music. I dug up the CDs that I burnt 3-4 years ago and I've been finding shit like Nightmare's "Dasei Boogey" and PIERROT's "Makka na Hana" PV. It's craaazy.

Anyhoo. My last entry was written while I was a little distracted. M was talking to me when I was trying to write, and basically, what I really wanted to say was that this week has been far from perfect because I've been so laid back with sleeping early and getting up on time. The story of my life; what's new, right?

I wanted to apply for this other job that S recommended to me, but I just realised it's the same workplace as a friend of my ex's. I don't know if he would even care, but I just feel so awkward to have to talk to him and stuff, if I do get the job. Plus, it's also about my pride; can I imagine myself working under this guy where he'll make me feel little while I'm trying to be this cool chick who's on the same level as everybody else in the office? Hell no.

Long story short, I've decided I'm not gonna apply for this job. As much as I need the money. As much as I desperately need the money.

Perfect week blunder

So this is my full week at work and I promised to myself that I was going to be really disciplined and take good care of my health to be ready for the long hours...

...and I'm already stuffing up.

Yesterday, after I got off work at 4.30 PM, I went to see Keeks, her sister and Ceuceu and then later B joined after he finished work. Then D and Juli also came along and we hung out for coffee at Block Arcade, dinner at Dessert House and then late-night karaoke at KBox. Then I ended up sleeping over B's place because it was really late and I didn't want to taxi home. Besides, I'm on a budget, you see.

Anyway, on top of that, I'm tempted to give away my Thursday shift to someone else because Keeks and her sister are planning to go to the beach on Thursday. After all, when else can we all go together?

But anyway, it just means this week is already far from perfect.

Midnight ramble

I hung out tonight at V's place; there were B, D and Ceuceu, as well as Amar and Tanno. We got together to watch "Transamerica" and then sat around for a bit of talk and some drinks. It was nice, clean fun tonight.

I need to go and rest for the whole day tomorrow. It's my last day off before I have to work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They're not extremely long hours, but I know I'll go nuts from having to see the same place every day for 7 days.

But that also means money, which is always good. I'm planning to save up a lot this year, especially since there's the possibility that K, A, L and I are going to Japan this September. On top of that, my cousin and I have already planned to go around Indo between July and August. Well, I'm hoping to get a bit of financial boost for that trip from my lovely grandparents, so if that happens, technically I need to just save up for Japan.

I am shit-tired. I'm gonna go and get some sleep now then.