Crappa

I feel like this blog is turning into a blah-blog. I'm not exactly motivated to update it anymore. I think I should turn it into a plog (red: photo blog) and then I can be more self-absorbed and have a blog full of pictures of myself.

I'm writing like a fricking martyr these days too. Like, I'd say something to look like I'm humble but in the end I just look like a bigger idiot than the next emo kid you see at the bus stop.

Dream a little dream

Hey dudes. It's been a while since my last real update.

I've come to that moment - at least at this point in life - where I'm itching to break out and just be free. I'm starting to question what is it that makes me truly happy, not just to make other people happy.

As I go to work 5 days a week, 9 to 5 every day, I start to question whether this job is really something I want or if it's just something that will pay the bills and impress my family and friends. It's true that it's work - you don't have to be particularly passionate about it and you don't always look forward going to it every morning - but the question starts to rise as to whether this is something I want in life.

And then I start thinking about the 'what ifs'. What if I get a job in something I am actually passionate about and then the mundane reality of going to it 5 days a week will take the magic away? What if that happens and that way I won't have that escape to what I love anymore? I get scared like that.

Sometimes I feel like it's right to keep dreams as just that. Because at least it's always going to be that happy little place you visit in your head to take the edge off reality when you need it most.

Busybody

Happy X'mas!

For some reason, Christmas has always been a bit of a bittersweet time of the year for me. For quite some time, I couldn't exactly say why. It should always mean happy times with the family and fun, relaxing holiday. So I didn't know where the negativity came from; I just always felt down a little when the end of the year rolled in.

And then I figured it out: apart from the fact that my family will always seem to clash when they spend too much time together (it's unavoidable in every family, I've come to terms with that), but at the same time, Christmas means holidays. And while a holiday seems like a great time, to me time off means uselessness and boredom. I just realised today - of all days - that ever since I started kindergarten, I would have something to look forward to and would have some sort of purpose. It never occured to me to take a year off after high school; I didn't even know what 'gap year' was until my first year at uni. And that too was the exact reason why I enrolled in postgrad right after I finished my undergrad, because I wasn't quite ready for workforce yet but I know I'd just go crazy if I didn't have anything to do. I was feeling a bit depressed in the past 6 months because when I'd finished that postgrad, I felt like I didn't have anything to give myself some meaning. And when this new job finally came along, I felt not good, but actually content. It's like I've got purpose again.

And so I think it's safe for me for now to just keep doing something and not stop. Especially since I still have the energy to do it. I might even like to add something else to this work, just so I get even busier, maybe like a language course or one of those magazine publishing courses I saw being offered in RMIT. And then other days I'll do my weekly exercises, like bikram yoga classes or swimming.

I'm just looking forward to being busy again.

The downside to it all

Is it wrong to think that maybe this job isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Don't get me wrong; I think it's a fantastic opportunity. But I took it because of the convenience. It's good money, big company and basically just good old showy job. I think I'm the envy of my friends for having been accepted into this. But what about what I like right now?

Maybe it's just the case of me having done something so long that I think that's all I like. I mean, I graduated with a degree in media and I've always loved writing. So maybe I just haven't seen what's out there. Maybe there are other things I'm gonna like apart from media, and this job is gonna show me.

But if it's the other way around, then what? What if I've been at this job for a year and I realise I wanna do writing all along? Basically, I would've wasted a year when I could've spent the time working my way up in the magazine/publishing industry.

I just hope it won't be the second one. Because I'd hate to see the haters right.

Being epiphaneous (no such word, I know. I just wanna be a smart-ass)

I'm back from a wonderful holiday in Singapore and my hometown Jakarta. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do and didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see, but that's fine.

Somehow lately I had the epiphany about friendship. Maybe it's got something to do with the way holidays clear your head and all that giving your mind, body and soul a break shit-ass crap. But whatever. I feel like I should remind myself about these things so I can hopefully be a better person from this point on.

o Being open-minded about your friends is the best thing that anyone can do. You can't mould other people into the way you want them to be. Knowing the difference between telling them off when they're wrong and when they're plainly different than you want them to be is hard. But just by listening to the other side of the story and be fair is, I think, a good start.

o Going on holidays and getting away from your friends is actually necessary. Having other groups of friends helps too but actually not seeing them for a period of time is good. But yeah, of course if someone needs you, you're gonna be there.

o Drawing the line on friends that take advantage of you. Don't make too much effort when all they do is ask you for favours. Don't repeat that mistake more than twice. Or in my case, after the 15th time or something.

o Good: Making new friends for the sake of making new friends. Bad: getting bogged down with the 'hey, that guy is cute, I should start a conversation with him so I can make out with him by the end of the night' attitude. It'll only stress you out and end up not making that first move.

Okay, maybe that last part is more like a dating tip. Not that I'm eligible for giving out dating tips. But I guess I had that figured out just now. Pfft.

The ballad of the sorry

So I just heard more stories tonight about a certain unfortunate person. Let's just call him Sorry Ass.

To give a bit of a background story, this Sorry Ass tries to start a magazine. Let's just call this sorry creation Ass Wipe. He enlisted my help as the editor. I helped him in vain for 7 months before I realised he doesn't know shit about doing business in general. So I quit.

It's been 3 months now since then and Sorry Ass has found the guy who took over the editor job. Let's just call him Mo-Editor. One day, Mo-Editor and Sorry Ass were meeting a potential client to fund Ass Wipe. This forms case number 1.

The potential client asked Sorry Ass: "So why do you think I should place my ad in Ass Wipe? What good is it gonna do me?"

Sorry Ass answered nervously in broken English: "Ass Wipe is so good. It is very elite. The articles we carry are only about high-end luxury brands like Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton..."

"Yeah, I know. But those are articles. You guys don't actually have ads by them," the potential client said.

Sorry Ass was desperate: "But Ass Wipe is even better than Harper's Bazaar!"

And with that, according to my source, the potential client pulled out of the deal.

Case number 2. Sorry Ass has this acute dislike for a certain media competitor. Let's just call it Toilet Paper. Toilet Paper is actually quite successful as a media brand, except that, well, it's made out of newspaper and so I think it's best used only for toilet business, just like Ass Wipe. Anyway, basically Sorry Ass hates Toilet Paper's editors with a passion and thinks that Ass Wipe is already better than Toilet Paper, even though Ass Wipe hasn't put out one issue yet.

And so Sorry Ass thinks whoever works with him on Ass Wipe absolutely cannot write for Toilet Paper. Which is exactly what Mo-Editor did. Now I don't know if Mo-Editor did it out of spite or if it was just purely coincidental. But basically Sorry Ass went nuts and told off Mo-Editor, saying that he couldn't write for any other media other than for Ass Wipe. Mo-Editor was said to be confused because in his contract with Ass Wipe, there was never any obligation to write only for Ass Wipe and not for other media.

Mo-Editor has been heard saying to his friend that he wants to quit Ass Wipe. Not one issue is out yet but two editors are already walking out of the project.

On to case number 3. Sorry Ass has just done the second dummy of the magazine and all he's got in it are articles which are poorly edited and 5 pages of copies from a dated LV catalogue. I am so sorry to admit that when I was still working with Sorry Ass, I tried to defend the first version of the dummy which looked a lot like this in front of my friends, saying that it was just a 'work in progress'. Now I've learnt my lesson and found that this is actually Sorry Ass' definition of Vogue, or in his words, Harper's Bazaar.

And the icing on top of the cake is case number 4: it's been almost a year since the idea to start Ass Wipe was thought up, but until now Sorry Ass hasn't even registered an Australian Business Number yet. The reason? Because Sorry Ass is the director of the Ass Wipe brand and so he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Including putting himself in jail if they find that he was practising business without licence.

I just love stories like these. I did say pointing out people's mistakes are useless, but this is more like knowing that at least there are people more unfortunate than us so we should be grateful with what we have.

Past couple of weeks

I've been reading my friends' blogs and I decided I wanna write in mine too.

So it's been going really well the past couple of weeks. As I last wrote here, we got our PR and I finished my master so to cut long story short, I've finished school forever. And then my sister got her dream house and it's a wicked little dwelling with the perfect view and all. It really does remind us of our childhood home back in Jakarta.

Then I had my birthday last weekend and it was plain wild. I think I can safely say people had a good time there. I think I can categorically say that it was the best birthday I've ever had, because it was, ironically enough, far from perfect. The day started off with me super sleepy with a headache then my parents and my sister wished me happy birthday; had breakfast then got down to business making food for the party that night; mum and dad started fighting over who got to mix the eggs with the pepper; got ready and left for yum cha and it was so very nice; opened presents; went home and ate my birthday cake, mango gateau! Went out, bought beer and ice; drove to the hotel; panicked over how to hide the 24 bottles of beer in the suitcase; checked in, complete with my mum trying to take over the whole process; family out, friends in; spent time with them before getting ready; people started coming and finally the party started; tired mixed with alcohol equals me drunk and passing out crying. It was ups and downs, highs and lows all rolled into one day. And that's okay; I think I'm starting to learn how to embrace imperfection. It's my life, it's anybody's life and I gotta stop striving for 24/7 poise and grace and just allow myself to let go.

Anyway, I'm going to Singapore and Jakarta in 3 weeks. I got a crazy deal for the flight, and I ain't paying nothing for accommodation in Singapore, so it's great. I hope I got enough money when I'm there so I can shop like nuts!

So anyway, I think things are going well. But I can't help thinking all the time when will the other shoe drop? I'm pessimistic that way and I sometimes think that things are too good to be true. I guess you can't blame me for thinking like that after the past 10 years of drama. But let's hope things are gonna be fine in the long-term. Not perfect, just fine.

Going bananas

You know, I'll come out and admit it. I'm in a rut.

I feel like I have nothing to define me; I'm not a student anymore, but I'm kinda stuck doing it for some legal reasons. And because I'm doing that, I can't get a job. Well, not a full-time job, anyway. And not having a job is, well, pretty depressing. I mean, I work where I work right now, but it's a casual job. That's not something that I love doing. And the way things are going with the magazine job and the stupid Indo community that goes with it, I have nothing to be proud of.

You see, maybe it's the old-fashioned mentality of always having something to show what I've done - "here's what I did, I've achieved this and this and this..." and all that crap. But I seriously feel low for not having done something good lately. People might say to me, "but come on, you've got your masters..." Yeah, so? I haven't proved to myself and anyone else that I can hold down a job and be good at it. The only thing I've done for the past 17 years is that I can do my homework. Yeah, whoopee, let's give Sasha some certificate and put her in a stupid gown and hat.

I just feel like with all this hanging over me, I can't go and function properly. I'm self-conscious all the time, I'm constantly moody and what's worse, I'm projecting all these on people I hate.

Oh well, I'll get over it soon.

What's new pussycat?

It's been the worst week ever. I have been - I kid you not - staying at home for the past 3 days. The only time I went out was to go jogging, and that was only around the neighbourhood.

I've been obsessed watching "Brothers & Sisters". Budi was right when he said I'd like it; I really love it now. It's a whole new way to compare your family to what's presented in the media and feel even worse about your own because you know something just ain't right about your favourite uncle or your biological grandmother. Whatever; the main point is, I still get self-destructive sometimes when I watch TV series like that because it just makes me think even more that my life is anything but normal. Don't mean to go emo on you now.

Other than that, I've been obsessed with finding an office job. It's pretty daunting the fact that all my mates are starting their first full-time job. And an office job seems to be the way to go because it makes you feel better about yourself. I've been doing the freelancing thing for the past year now (and it took me one whole year to realise that it's been a freelance job, ding ding, I should get a prize to have guessed that right) and I think a little bit of routine in my life is what's best for me right now. 9 to 5 job sounds to me like a candy store sounds to a six-year-old fat boy.

I think I'm getting sarcastic again.

Hello, you're being disrespectful

Well, this is an age-old issue, but I just feel like blogging about it.

Once upon a time, I liked a Japanese band named PIERROT. They were great, they were massive in Japan and they were loved for more than 10 years (not 10 years of my life, my God, when they first started, I was fresh out of nappies. But they were around for more than 10 years). Then they disbanded, and the break-up wasn't exactly well received by all band members.

So vocalist, bassist and drummer went to form another band called ANGELO. Or Angelo without the capital letters, whatever. While the two guitarists went to work on their individual projects (bless their souls), Angelo (ANGELO?) went to wallow in the sadness of PIERROT's disbandment and continue on like they're still in PIERROT. Their songs are similar, their image is similar, so yes, that means they go around dressing like they're 10 years younger than they really should.

Yes, I get that the break-up was intense. I cried for days when PIERROT broke up, I shit no one about that. But Angelo/ANGELO should really just get over themselves. I just found out that they still go around and perform PIERROT's songs at their concerts and get the crowd to reminisce the past with them. I just don't think it's doing anyone any favours if they do that. They continue being depressed about a love lost, the two guitarists that left probably think they're idiots (and I don't blame them if they do) and fans like me also think they're idiots too.

So what does that make Angelo? Depressed idiots. Not a good title if you want to continue in the showbiz. And I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just expected something better from the Angelo members who love PIERROT to death. What bigger respect is there than leaving PIERROT's songs alone and not sing them under a different name?

(Image courtesy of Kashifus)

Ask and ye shall receive. Don't ask and ye shall still receive.

So did I just twittered I miss house parties? I did and then last night I went to a friend's housewarming and had fun.

I was a bit 'blah' about coming there alone and knowing only one person there, but in the end it was cool. I met new people who like Blur, caught up with an old friend who wore glo-stick bracelet and had peanut butter chocolate cookie. I felt like I could belong to that crowd.

I refuse to surrender to this virus! I'm not getting sick!

In response to that...

You know, reading Jarome's last blog got me thinking a lot. Me five years ago would've thought, "well, I think it's a load of shit. You gotta stick up for your friends no matter what." But now I think there's definitely some truth to it. Even if you're best friends, they still hurt you in some ways. Yes, they do that because in some twisted way, they're trying to teach you a lesson, but is it worth the heartbreak? Because true friendship is a hell of an investment, you know. It's like, you put sweat and tears into it, so if it disappoints you over and over again, you start asking why bother?

I mean, call me having high expectations from people, but I expect some kind of relationship from my close friends but when they don't do it, you're left looking like a fucking idiot. And at that moment, you just think, "To hell with how long we've been friends, they don't know me at all so I'm not gonna waste my time."

I guess I gotta learn to assume nothing and expect little. But the biggest lesson would probably be not to trust people too much. How many times have I been eaten up by sweet words and charitable deeds by new friends, only to be ditched by them? Too many to count.

Remember, friends will still ditch you when they can only save their own ass from a burning building. It's a fucked-up metaphor, but it's true. You just learn to have your guard up, be there as much as you can but don't sacrifice everything for them, especially if they're shit friends.

Oh, it's exciting!

Got myself a pencil case in my favourite colour ever!

It's not important to you, but it's an important milestone for me. The amount of times I've had to scrub off the pen marks on the bottom of my bags due to lack of containment for ink leakage is quite disturbing. Not to mention the inimitable embarrassment of burying my head in my bags looking for that particular Faster pen. Yes, I love my own country's product, so sue me.

Comes thundering in this wicked blue pencil case, and all my problems are solved. Well, not all. I'm yet to clean my black Longchamp bag. Thank God it's black, so the pink/blue/green marks all over its base are not that visible.

Listening to a lot of music right now. Isn't remembering the things you've been wanting to listen to for ages the next best thing to reading a four-digit figure in your paycheck?

Much love

You know the saying 'I have so much love to give'?

Well, right now, I have so much HATE to give.

Some of the customers I had at work yesterday and today were simply shocking on a basic human level. I can't even believe those people exist just to waste our oxygen supply. I'm sorry, but when you can't even treat other human beings properly, you might as well be put in the same place as the racist and homophobic sons of bitches. Hitler would love some company, thank you.

My landlord isn't only clueless in how to spell 'recession', but clearly she doesn't even know what the word means. After increasing our rent less than a year ago, she's done it again now. Take a guess, people: 1) she's had lack of sexual partners that she's frustrated and thus can't function, including think properly 2) she's just plain mentally challenged 3) she's, well, please fill in the blanks, I'm sure she won't mind because, oh my God, she probably won't even understand what you mean cos she's just that dumb.

I really hope these people will do some serious damage control to their behaviour soon or else, you know, with other people wanting to kill them and all, the sales of shotguns would go up. And that's not the message we're trying to put out to the children, riiight?

Boring old update

Everyone knows that I'm a big fan of Alexa Chung. Everything about her seems so much fun and makes anything else matters less. Something about her carefree, fun-loving outlook that translate into some of the most enjoyable fashion I've seen this decade.

Feeling inspired is an addictive thing; and right now, all I want to do is look back on some of my favourite looks of hers and build my wardrobe like hers. It's so much fun and I can't get enough of it!

Apart from that, the past two days have gotta be some of the coldest weather Melbourne has had in the past 12 months. I'm shaking on my sofa just thinking about it - well, that and the fact that I still need to write up 3 articles for the magazine.

And speaking of the magazine, I'm quitting the job. BECAUSE I GOT A NEW JOB!

Yes, you are now looking at the proud, soon-to-be marketing executive at an up and coming design company. Well, okay, maybe not that prestigious, but it's a new company founded by an acquaintance and he was looking to hire someone to do the marketing, promoting and all that jazz. So I got hired, much thanks to the recommendation of a dear friend. Note to self: gotta treat her to a nice dinner very soon.

Anyhow, I can't wait till I get all my shit organised and go out shopping to celebrate. There may be plenty other things I still worry about, but as I've told B the other day, you gotta stop and smell the roses and be grateful for what you've got so far. Another problem is another day's worry. Please buy me a great pair of shoes if you agree with me.

You'd think I'd be a professional by now...

So the surprise interview today was awesome. Can anybody notice the sarcasm there?

The thing is. I had the sneaky feeling that it was gonna be a job interview; I told my friends it was gonna be a job interview, but I myself didn't think twice that it was gonna be a job interview.

So I rocked up in my jeans and anticipated something like a chat. Turned out the guy had us "chatting" in a white-wash meeting room and a 5-page booklet of interview questions. So I did my best despite skipping lunch and zero caffeine.

Is it selfish to want to think I did good?

Tweet tweet

I'm on Twitter now!

http://twitter.com/violetmusk

It's actually been quite fun so far...

Get moving...

So M is moving back to Indo and B is moving out and back to his old place. We were helping them out with packing, cleaning and throwing things out.

I'd like to think the box above could've packed me in and send me up to Indo for free so I can eat those J.Co donuts already!

But anyway, I'm gonna miss M. Take care over there, M. Don't let the bugs bother you.

Heh. Well, it's April Fool's Day. And the joke was on me today. Just trust me on that.

Yes, I'm obsessed...

I watched this movie all in one go last night. I really like it!

Maybe I am biased because I love Robin/Dick Grayson so much and this movie features his character, but I can't help to think this movie blends just the right amount of human drama with comical cinematography. Sure, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight did the fictional landscape of Gotham City in great detail, but where's the theatrical craziness of it? Batman Forever has neon lights, buildings with non-sensical architects and the enemy headquarters in the middle of the sea. I mean, come on, you can't be too real when you do a movie based on comic books, right?

I hated Val Kilmer, but he did wonders with the Bruce Wayne/Batman character in this movie. And Chris O'Donnell as Robin is just pure pleasure to watch. To hell with the geeky belief that Robin is a curse for actors who have ever played him. When the gloves fit, you just enjoy the ride.

Gosh, of all things to have a fandom for, it has to be something that I liked 15 years ago...

More childhood dissatisfaction

Bridget Jones moment #383092: I've just been sitting here watching trailers and clips from Batman Forever and the 1960s TV series of Batman.

I guess I could safely say that I'm royally obsessed with the character Robin. I think all the screen adaptations that have been produced so far did well with the character interpretation of the Boy Wonder - Burt Ward and then Chris O'Donnell, both did good with their own way of portraying the boyish charm of Dick Grayson. And it just made me realise that he was, in fact, my first superhero crush.

I really hope Hollywood is really gonna do that new TV series about the pre-Robin Dick Grayson. It'll be awesome. Yep, no, I just found out it's not gonna happen in the near future now. Damn.