2004

This weekend I went back in time and read up on some of the things I wrote during the year 2004. That was actually quite a productive year for me and that's a miracle in itself, since I don't get up to much in my spare time.

Anyway, one of the things I wrote was this story about a band manager and the bands she works with. It's pure crap but I can't help remembering again how inspired I felt when I was writing it. And thanks to that, now I kind of want to write again. I'd love to re-write the whole story again and make it less crap, especially while this inspired feeling is still around. So this is probably going to be my personal project for the next couple of months now.

Going bananas

You know, I'll come out and admit it. I'm in a rut.

I feel like I have nothing to define me; I'm not a student anymore, but I'm kinda stuck doing it for some legal reasons. And because I'm doing that, I can't get a job. Well, not a full-time job, anyway. And not having a job is, well, pretty depressing. I mean, I work where I work right now, but it's a casual job. That's not something that I love doing. And the way things are going with the magazine job and the stupid Indo community that goes with it, I have nothing to be proud of.

You see, maybe it's the old-fashioned mentality of always having something to show what I've done - "here's what I did, I've achieved this and this and this..." and all that crap. But I seriously feel low for not having done something good lately. People might say to me, "but come on, you've got your masters..." Yeah, so? I haven't proved to myself and anyone else that I can hold down a job and be good at it. The only thing I've done for the past 17 years is that I can do my homework. Yeah, whoopee, let's give Sasha some certificate and put her in a stupid gown and hat.

I just feel like with all this hanging over me, I can't go and function properly. I'm self-conscious all the time, I'm constantly moody and what's worse, I'm projecting all these on people I hate.

Oh well, I'll get over it soon.

Hermit no more

This was from today. I think it's pretty obvious that I was seriously stoked to be out of the house after having stayed in for the past 3 days.

What's new pussycat?

It's been the worst week ever. I have been - I kid you not - staying at home for the past 3 days. The only time I went out was to go jogging, and that was only around the neighbourhood.

I've been obsessed watching "Brothers & Sisters". Budi was right when he said I'd like it; I really love it now. It's a whole new way to compare your family to what's presented in the media and feel even worse about your own because you know something just ain't right about your favourite uncle or your biological grandmother. Whatever; the main point is, I still get self-destructive sometimes when I watch TV series like that because it just makes me think even more that my life is anything but normal. Don't mean to go emo on you now.

Other than that, I've been obsessed with finding an office job. It's pretty daunting the fact that all my mates are starting their first full-time job. And an office job seems to be the way to go because it makes you feel better about yourself. I've been doing the freelancing thing for the past year now (and it took me one whole year to realise that it's been a freelance job, ding ding, I should get a prize to have guessed that right) and I think a little bit of routine in my life is what's best for me right now. 9 to 5 job sounds to me like a candy store sounds to a six-year-old fat boy.

I think I'm getting sarcastic again.